Why Do I Love Men So Much?
Note: This was going to be a restack responding to a Subber who made a joke about not supporting men in mental health awareness month. Her post was, in truth, funny, though harsh in tone. It also made me reflect; why do I LOVE men so much? I didn’t restack her original note because I didn’t want to ignore any pain she may have experienced. Or deny the fact that there are a lot of bad people out there doing harm to us every day, like Bezos. But that shouldn’t stop us from expecting the best of our men. Here’s my case.
I love men. Good men. Ones that are aware of the world’s nonsense.
Do I love corrupt men? No.
Am I turned on by wealthy men? Eh, chances are they’re corrupt.
A manly-man? Ha. Not really. Not in the traditional stance.
But I love me a good man.
A man who is an ally. Who understands the toxic power play doesn’t give him power. It ruins him.
And harms those around him.
Give me a fighter in heels. A man so strong he doesn’t shy from expressing his desires for other men. And he doesn’t apologize for loving me.
A good man knows himself.
And is aware of what the world expects of him. Especially now, in this era of the US.
Still, he fights. And he fights for me.
He fights the roles expected of him because he knows those roles are an unfair trap for not just me but him as well.
This isn’t a not-all-men statement. Really. This is a statement to hold men accountable. To look for better examples of themselves and change accordingly.
~ Don’t like heels, bro? Cool. But you don’t need to be a dick about it.
~ Don’t like housekeeping? Do you think women do? Man-up. Take care of your family.
This is about changing what men should expect of themselves.
The ones who are already ahead of the game - who understands the mouthpieces spewing hate to erase him, to erase us -
the men who fight back by simply being a good man in their everyday life, these men, are my heroes. And I love these men.
Men I Don’t Love.
Those who flaunt wealth. I am not a person to these men. If conventionally hot, at best, I’d be their asset. But I’m just me, another woman, with inconvenient needs like childcare and health insurance. These men burn the world while believing they are in control of it.
Abusive men, I don’t love for obvious reasons.
Broken men Who give up. Who believe it’s too hard to fight. Who doesn’t show up or is unreliable. This lacks perspective.
The victim- or a combo of three above. Who somehow turns the message around, who DARVO, ignores and erases the needs of those around him, all for his convenience.
However, I don’t want to discuss these men. They have enough of the spotlight.
I want to celebrate good men.
I want to manifest a world where struggling, hurting men ask, "How come all these weak [their words, not mine] men are getting action?"
I want to manifest a world of love and strength. Where I pray in my weakest, most frightful moment, I will stand up for the good men because I know they will stand up for me. It’s why I am drawn to Queer men.
Lewis Oakley writes in his book Bisexuality; the Basics, “Bisexuality can help boost you in relationships. Being able to understand both the male and the female perspective means you can see beyond gender roles and think outside the box. You’ll be able to better identify and understand what your partner needs from you and what you need from your partner.” (page 152).
I’m not suggesting bi men are automatic examples, it’s a long journey to be comfortable with who you are as a Bi person. That process can be messy and complicated. But the work gains perspective and benefits others.
A man whose masculinity has been challenged is less likely to be embarrassed about wearing a apron to help. He understands how we are cornered to taught to control one another.
But one need not to have adverse experiences to be a good man.
Straight men, please listen.
My sisters are struggling.
When we socialize as moms, too many, for at least an hour, complain about their husband's "weaponized incompetence."
I wish to change the conversation and, as women, share things that bring us fulfillment. Lift us.
The topic doesn't need to revolve around ambition, material gain or career advancements. It could simply be enjoying your time and family without the overwhelming burden of doing everything.
I want husbands to take care of the people in their life beyond a paycheck.
Because men are so much more than their paycheck. They're lovers and caregivers. And deserve the opportunity to love and care. And be loved and cared for in exchange.
It isn't enough to not hit or hurt. Or check-out on the couch because you earned the paycheck. You’re more than that. Be more than that. Be present. Help.
My husband is my hero. I tell him, "Every day, you save my life." Because he gives me time, support, and love. Because the kids are fed breakfast and driven to summer school, I can write this. I can participate in the bigger world. I can go to my writer's coworking space and meet other creatives. After I publish this, I will spend quality summer break time with our oldest.
It's not perfect; my house is often a mess, but it's a sign of our current life. When the kids get older, it will be a different mess. What doesn't change is the love and respect I feel when my husband is my teammate.
There may be a time when we separate. I hope not. But every relationship ends; best case scenario, after a long life together, one of us dies. Heartaches and loss happen. However, what remains constant is integrity.
A good man doesn't ask what was the point? Why did I do all that when she (or I) left anyway? A good man doesn't whine. Because he knows the point.
The point is to love and protect and fight and respect those lucky enough to share a life together, even if brief. A good man lets go. He doesn't possess.
Good news for all men!
Even when living under the most self-hating, homophobic, toxic societies that, despite what is claimed, disenfranchises its men as much as all others - it's possible to live by the actions and integrity of a good man.
(Self promotion - ahem, I write about this in my novel, where my characters come from a hostile and homophobic country, and still contribute in their new home, the US, which is openly hostile to women. —> check it out).
There are many more reasons I love men. Some solicit tbh, because sex with good trustworthy, protective, loving men is fantastic. But I'll keep it PG.
And conclude with
Ladies, don’t give up. Find good men; as friends, lovers, allies, co-parents, partners… Put on the GOOD MEN ONLY GOOGLES.
They're out there. I promise.
Dana Blythe is the author of Misha Loves Vasha, a novel about an entangled triad working in film production trying to figure how to share love and life together. She also writes about polyamory seen (or avoided) in movies on Substack and formally on Medium.
With complete manuscript, she is currently seeking representation.
Reading this made me pause and reflect on the kind of man I’m trying to be—not just for others, but for myself. Thank you for reminding us that strength isn’t found in dominance, but in care, presence, and quiet courage.